Je me souviens

One of the most reoccurring adversity that appears in everyone’s life is personal doubt.  It’s the one thing that others can’t cure.  It’s the struggle that happens internally and can only be “fixed” by oneself, one’s courage to surpass the thing that everyone knows so well will come back to haunt each individual at his weakest moment.  [He] turns to others for assistance, for guidance.  Ultimately, their words and comfort can only take [him] so far along this path of growth.  It comes down to whether or not the individual is diligent enough to conquer [himself].  To conquer [his] mind that tells [him] [he’s] inadequate.  The wonders of surrounding oneself with loved ones is that they remind us of who we are, the tribulations we’ve triumphed, the person we want to be, our weaknesses that are overturned by our strengths.  But what good can come from it if we don’t allow ourselves to see the greatness that our loved ones see in us.  No one can overcome life’s hardships alone.  

For the past few months, I have been treading along in the same drifting water that brings so many different joys and sadness.  I allowed myself to stress about my current life that I cannot deny will influence my future.  I’ve dedicated long hours towards the process of graduate school.  It always appears like an average task until you dive into it, until you let yourself become vulnerable to the hands of others.  Every application that I sent it, I felt as though I did my all.  There wasn’t more that I could do.  I carried that same mentality every time I stepped foot into and out of the testing rooms.  If I’ve done my all, there is nothing else that you can do.  Thus, there should be no reason to stress about it.  The funny thing is that, you can only convince yourself for so long with positivity.  Eventually, that inner voice that claims to carry the realistic aspect of life resonates louder and louder.  Now that part of my application process is done, that voice that once said that I did all that I could grows quieter. I’m wondering if I could’ve done more.  What could I have done?  What should I do now?  Will prospective professors see my true potential and passion?  Or will it all be tainted by test scores?  Will my long term aspiration be stopped by my own doing?  If so, should I prepare myself now for those letters of rejection?  Should I start studying all over again for those tests?  Every question comes to mind in a split second!  The more seconds that I allow to come pass me begins to taint the reality that I’ve been trying to paint for myself.  The longer time passes, the more doubt I gain.  The more that I let it sit there, the more I wonder.  The deathly cycle continues.  The only way for me to get past it is by…well…frankly…I have no idea.  I’ve contemplated about cracking open my study books again; to give myself a “head start.”  But thinking about that process depresses me.  Would to begin it admit the possibility of having to wait another year to get back on track to my goals?  With all of this doubt, I turned to my boyfriend for comfort.  I turned to the one man that truly sees my love and passion for the path I’m walking on.  He knows that it’s more than just a path that I’ve “created” for myself.  He sees that it’s the path that was already put in front of me.  That this is my joy, my life, the life I was meant to live.  I had to look to the one person who really understands me.  He said, don’t worry.  You’ll get accepted by more than one school.  You have to.  Everything always works out for you because of your hard-work.  You always dedicate your entire self to the thing you desire.  I loved his optimism, but I couldn’t help but reply back with a hint of reality—If my success, is based on my hard-work, are you then saying that the thousands of applications that I am competing against don’t have that same quality?  The sad thing about it all is that I can only do so much.  That in the end, my fate lies within the hands that pick up my statement of intent.  I’m competing against thousands of applicants for thirteen seats in a classroom for one graduate program.  So, what now?  What do I do now until the letters come in.  What do I do when I get accepted?  What do I do when I get rejected?  To be frank, I can only have faith in myself, in my performance as a student and individual.  If I don’t have faith in myself, I can’t expect others to see my potential, to see all the greatness that I have to offer.  I can’t allow myself to stop now just because of doubt.  If that becomes the case, I should’ve stopped a long time ago.  I can’t waste my life away all because of self-doubt.  I’m paving forward with the ones I love in my mind and heart, with the knowledge that life happens; whatever does occur, I’ll take it on and won’t look back with disappointment, but rather with hope.

“With faith, there’s always hope.”