Je me souviens

Faced Down by onepeacepoetry:

Hands down
I just basically feel as though
I’ve let everyone around me down
Should I feel this way?
Most likely not
But inside my heart there’s a knot
And I can’t seem to
Set it free
As there is too much
Bothering me

Hands down
Face down
Why has everything
Turned upside down

The funny thing about poetry is the poetic license that is attached to each working masterpiece that is created by the poet.  The poetic license is meant to protect the poet from having his readers attempt to connect fiction to reality.  The inevitable quality that poetic license cannot void is the human tendency—to care about the person who has written such a powerful piece, the curiosity of those who desire truth, the need to understand and comfort the poet in spite of the lack of full disclosure given.  The other ambiguous characteristic of poetry is the origin to which the poem came to exist: This point precisely is what makes me intrigued by the type of criticism that attempts to claim that there can be indeed a separation between poet and poem.

Despite whether or not he has experienced something directly to the very thing that he had written about, there must have been something to have triggered the desire to write something.  I don’t believe in poets who write for writing.  Poets write because they’re moved by something.  The something had inspired a hand to write words that originally carried no true meaning to transcend them into words that can never be forgotten.  Poets can’t deny some form of reality to their poems, but it is done.  Why?  Because maybe the world he lives in is one that would not understand or is not yet able to truly see the truth the lies behind the words that carry greater value than experienced before.

As I read “Faced Down,” my instincts are to connect it directly to the poet himself.  But then, I have to stop myself.  Why?  Because I remember my long conversation with him about the beauty of poetry that even poets allow themselves to hide in—the illusion of the separation from piece to person.  I stop.  I read again. And I take the words in for what they are for me and not for what they might be/represent for the poet himself.  I do so to give him the full luxury of exploring his growth in the beautiful world of creative writing.

TO my dearest friend, write on.  I’ve loved your writing since day one and the journey you’ve been conquering step by step.  I can’t wait to read that one classic masterpiece that you define yourself with.

image from: http://www.ba-reps.com/blog/ba-artists-reform-school-redu-project/

What is going on with our world?! Why is education the least of the USA’s concerns?! They claim, but never do! This includes not just the top dogs who make financial cuts on education, but even the teachers who (not all, but one too many) sit back and just do the minimum, and the parents who put all the responsibilities onto teachers to raise their child! We need change! Our future deserves more! More importantly, our kids deserve better!

It’s hard not to compare the kids of today’s generation to my own, or years earlier!  What’s disheartening is that the age difference is not drastic! And yet their knowledge is dangerously different.  I’m sorry, I mean insufficient!  Ever since I was 4 years old (not exaggerating), I’ve always known I wanted to become a teacher.  I wanted to effect the lives of those around me the way my teachers had influenced me.  They all taught me something for the better!  Even if it meant pointing out my flaws!  They all inspired me in one way or the other.  In the end, they gave me their all.  They gave me what I needed academically, spiritually, as well as emotionally.  

People today either see the issues in school systems and turn their heads.  OR they’re just so ignorant about it that they don’t care to change.  I don’t know what it is and frankly, I don’t care what the excuse is.  The words excuse and education SHOULD NEVER be paired together!  That is especially when we are speaking about adults affecting the younger generation!  Kids will always make excuses, but how sad is it that NOW, they don’t need to make them.  The grownups already have!  I’m angry, frustrated, and so many other things that words cannot describe!  

Oh my word…was ‘bout to post a picture of myself just waking up…realized…I’m flippin’ ugly! Lmfao!!

Shine bright, my love,

as I live this life for you and me.

Stay forever in my memories for as long as you can

as I tread along this path of undoing my wrong

for the right I could never give you.

Stay with me, I beg, unless you find a better life 

away from me.

But as you take your steps away from the world

I gave you no choice to,

do look back to see all the greatness i wanted for you.

That the bloodshed felt was for 

a quick release from the merciless world I wanted but could not

protect you from.

Days growing cold as i feel you

fading away from the body in which

felt closest to you. 588 days and still

counting.  Inspiration turning towards a close,

not knowing what to live for

as I see your hand release from mine

without hesitation, without the desire to look back

at the soul that can never be forgiven.

No tears shed from the eyes that

i will forever love most, but can only be 

understood. For who cries

for the murderer who claims 

of logic and reason when actions will forever

speak louder than words and intent.

588 days and the womb that 

resides in these loins

can only live for the day in which

you walk away.  How odd it is

that as I plead for you to stay 

forever within my memories,

within my life…

I would rather you leave the cold world

that you stay stagnant in,

to 

finally 

live.

“I just called to tell you that ‘I miss you’.”

Word of advice to the ladies:  Just take it for what it is.  Don’t read into it.  Men AND society say that women are complex mammals.  Apparently, we think more than necessary, assume the unimaginable, and question everything that hits us.  Our defense/response to those allegations:  we’re the way we are because of the *bumps* in the road that had hit our hearts along the way.  It’s our way of protecting ourselves because if we can’t do it on our own, no one will do it for us. We do more than necessary in order to save us from the harm of those who claim they won’t hurt us.  Ladies (to a number of you), lets be real.  We do it because we’re scared, not because we’ve learned a lesson.  SO the next time a MAN shares words of compassion to you, stop the initial reaction of wondering “Why are you saying this to me?”  ”What did you do now?” “You haven’t said that in ages, why now?” Just stop the nonsense and see those words for what they are.  When a MAN speaks, he’s resonating the voice of his heart and soul.

One of the most reoccurring adversity that appears in everyone’s life is personal doubt.  It’s the one thing that others can’t cure.  It’s the struggle that happens internally and can only be “fixed” by oneself, one’s courage to surpass the thing that everyone knows so well will come back to haunt each individual at his weakest moment.  [He] turns to others for assistance, for guidance.  Ultimately, their words and comfort can only take [him] so far along this path of growth.  It comes down to whether or not the individual is diligent enough to conquer [himself].  To conquer [his] mind that tells [him] [he’s] inadequate.  The wonders of surrounding oneself with loved ones is that they remind us of who we are, the tribulations we’ve triumphed, the person we want to be, our weaknesses that are overturned by our strengths.  But what good can come from it if we don’t allow ourselves to see the greatness that our loved ones see in us.  No one can overcome life’s hardships alone.  

For the past few months, I have been treading along in the same drifting water that brings so many different joys and sadness.  I allowed myself to stress about my current life that I cannot deny will influence my future.  I’ve dedicated long hours towards the process of graduate school.  It always appears like an average task until you dive into it, until you let yourself become vulnerable to the hands of others.  Every application that I sent it, I felt as though I did my all.  There wasn’t more that I could do.  I carried that same mentality every time I stepped foot into and out of the testing rooms.  If I’ve done my all, there is nothing else that you can do.  Thus, there should be no reason to stress about it.  The funny thing is that, you can only convince yourself for so long with positivity.  Eventually, that inner voice that claims to carry the realistic aspect of life resonates louder and louder.  Now that part of my application process is done, that voice that once said that I did all that I could grows quieter. I’m wondering if I could’ve done more.  What could I have done?  What should I do now?  Will prospective professors see my true potential and passion?  Or will it all be tainted by test scores?  Will my long term aspiration be stopped by my own doing?  If so, should I prepare myself now for those letters of rejection?  Should I start studying all over again for those tests?  Every question comes to mind in a split second!  The more seconds that I allow to come pass me begins to taint the reality that I’ve been trying to paint for myself.  The longer time passes, the more doubt I gain.  The more that I let it sit there, the more I wonder.  The deathly cycle continues.  The only way for me to get past it is by…well…frankly…I have no idea.  I’ve contemplated about cracking open my study books again; to give myself a “head start.”  But thinking about that process depresses me.  Would to begin it admit the possibility of having to wait another year to get back on track to my goals?  With all of this doubt, I turned to my boyfriend for comfort.  I turned to the one man that truly sees my love and passion for the path I’m walking on.  He knows that it’s more than just a path that I’ve “created” for myself.  He sees that it’s the path that was already put in front of me.  That this is my joy, my life, the life I was meant to live.  I had to look to the one person who really understands me.  He said, don’t worry.  You’ll get accepted by more than one school.  You have to.  Everything always works out for you because of your hard-work.  You always dedicate your entire self to the thing you desire.  I loved his optimism, but I couldn’t help but reply back with a hint of reality—If my success, is based on my hard-work, are you then saying that the thousands of applications that I am competing against don’t have that same quality?  The sad thing about it all is that I can only do so much.  That in the end, my fate lies within the hands that pick up my statement of intent.  I’m competing against thousands of applicants for thirteen seats in a classroom for one graduate program.  So, what now?  What do I do now until the letters come in.  What do I do when I get accepted?  What do I do when I get rejected?  To be frank, I can only have faith in myself, in my performance as a student and individual.  If I don’t have faith in myself, I can’t expect others to see my potential, to see all the greatness that I have to offer.  I can’t allow myself to stop now just because of doubt.  If that becomes the case, I should’ve stopped a long time ago.  I can’t waste my life away all because of self-doubt.  I’m paving forward with the ones I love in my mind and heart, with the knowledge that life happens; whatever does occur, I’ll take it on and won’t look back with disappointment, but rather with hope.

“With faith, there’s always hope.”

“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.”

^ Not at All!! ;)  FOr whoever even cares to read my update from my “Rant,” here it is for ya.  While although I dreaded the time it took to make myself “pretty,” it was all worth it ALL BECAUSE I was able to contribute to my bestest’s birthday wish—to have a blast.  

I’m not that type of girl that will bicker throughout the night/day just to be heard.  I’d rather feel the pain that let her see it :)  HENCE, why she doesn’t know about my tumblr xD

THe hours spent were tiresome and painful.  What i’ve learned from this Vegas trip: (1) I’m not that type-a-girl.  I like to walk around the strip hand-in-hand with my babes—sober.  We’re a “borrowing” couple to many. But just perfect for me.  (2) I love dancing and feeling the music flow through my ears into my blood, but dancin’ till 4am?!  two nights in a row? AND expectin’ to not feel pain in my feet SOBER?!  not at all! LOL!  (3) i LOVE heels, but not enough to stand in ‘em as I’m surrounded by drunk/high people who suddenly stomp on my foot! hahaha!

Truth is, all I needed to have fun was to see mah girl smile and enjoy herself.  She deserves the world!  So despite the life i was trying to experiment and the learning experience, it was nothing comparable to making her feel extra loved.

So to mah-girl, my sister from another mother, my monkey, my gorgeous friend—Happy 23rd Birthday, Love!  CHeers to an awesome year and a toast to the many memories you’ll be creating for yourself in the years to come.  I <3 you and hope that the person you have grown to be is someone you’re proud of and that you continue to tread on this path towards success, towards happiness.

Honest to goodness truth (?)

I’m not ready to get owned by Vegas w/out my boo.  I don’t feel right “trying” to dress up a certain way because imma be surrounded by girls who dress the “Vegas-way.”  I AIN’T LIKE THAT!  And if I were, I’d ONLY want to be that way with my boo.  I’ve been saying for the past few years “Thank the lord I’m w/ Andrew, b/c if I were still single…the way I am would NOT cut it!”  There are lots of things that I don’t do that most girls typically do.  First off, MOST GIRLS DON’T CHOP OFF THEIR HAIR TO MY LENGTH!  They have that sexy, flowy hair.  I have a short, boyish cut.  ANd frankly, I <3 it!  And I <3 it more because my boyfriend doesn’t mind my individuality and my security NOT found in my hair.  I”ll be surrounded by girls with long, luscious hair that will be curled over their strapless dresses!  Which leads into the secondly…I DON’T WEAR STRAPLESS DRESSES!!  I’m being asked to wear “Vegas” appropriate clothes?! WTF?!  I’m not in denial!  I DON’T HAVE BOOBS TO CARRY THAT DRESS! LMFAO!  I would much rather feel confident in a strapped dress than having to always slip a time during my dancing to pull up the dress!  I don’t even wear strapless in LA clubs!  Not even for my boyfriend for goodness sakes!  I choose comfortability over “sexiness” ANY DAY!  THirdly, I don’t put on makeup because I feel the need to.  I do it because I love how my boyfriend loves me for me.  He loves the way I look when I roll out of bed.  Because of that, I want to put on makeup for him—because he doesn’t demand it.  I want him to remember that even after 7 years, I’m willing to go that extra mile, JUST BECAUSE.  BUT NO! NOT IN VEGAS!! ALL these girls be wearing thick ass fake lashes and dark ass make-up…HOW TIRESOME!  too much effort damnit!  Fourthly (which is extremely gross), I don’t shave my legs often!  WHO THE HELL?! LMFAO!  I love the feeling of smooth legs, but i hate the effort that has to go with it!  It adds 10-15 minutes to my showers! LIKE HONESTLY! I just need 5-10 minutes in the shower!  Sigh!!  I ain’t goin’ to Vegas to impress no boys! I got my bug-a-boo who DOESN’T FRET about all of that stuff (Granted, it’s because i wear jeans so he can’t see the ugliness)!! Sigh…

I am NOT Vegas material damnit!  I like to wear the most natural makeup, the simplest, comfortable dress, and my over-the-knee high heeled boots (that does not demand shaving).  this vegas trip, without my boyfriend, will be extremely different and weird!  I DOn’t like thinking about the experience.  It’s not that I’ve grown so dependent on him, it’s just…if i don’t go to those extremes with him, WHY THE HELL should I go and do all that extra stuff WITHOUT HIM!  *sigh* AM I a dork?  MOST LIKELY!  BUT i’m a dork with a boyfriend…so…SLAP IN YO’ FACE!

BUT what’s gonna happen this weekend?  Imma most likely do all of the things above that i HATE all for my bestest friend’s birthday…If this ain’t love, i don’t know what is!

p.s.  Not getting drunk  in Vegas…i only get drunk w/ people I trust and know will be able to take care of me IF i need it…

Honestly, I gave college my all.  I never gave a damn about anything so much.  And when I look at things realistically, that degree that I get doesn’t even come close to defining me.  It neither shows my true accomplishments, my strengths, nor the struggles.  So while college is an important element to life, it’s not everyone’s path.  You don’t need a degree to persevere.  What you need is passion, guts, and the will to fail in order to succeed.  That paper I walk away with can be burned, shredded to pieces, and my $ value on my paycheck will diminish.  Here’s the thing, everything in life is impermanent.  So here’s a reality check for you.  Live your life the way you know you’re meant to live.